It's Thanksgiving. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy in a comfy recliner with a full stomach after a day of family. We went around the table today and talked about how we are all grateful we were raised in a home that taught the importance of God's Word. I should be warm and content.
But I'm caught all up in myself.
I'm scared. I'm scared of the near future. I'm scared of my new, close friendships. I'm scared of my close friendships I'm in the process of losing. I'm scared of graduating college. I'm scared of never getting better.
What do all those fears have in common? They all begin with I.
I have lost my passion and my love for my Savior. Right now, He is Lord in my life, but not my Savior. He serves as a Ruler and not my best friend and lover. Unfortunately, I do not know what to do except keep doing the things I am doing. Also unfortunately, the things I am doing are just making things worse. I read the Word out of obligation, I do my BCM duties because I am a leader, I sit for all hours at the BCM because of the fellowship, not to be there for other people.
I am praying more, and because of this, I know things will get better.
In the meantime, I am toying with the idea of removing myself. I don't want to, but maybe it's for the best. I am beginning to see things from the past creep up again in new situations. But removing myself from my BCM responsibilities is not possible or desireable. So, if anyone happens to read this, please pray for me.
Pray that I may be fueled with a fire for others and not myself.
Pray that my friends persevere with me through my trials.
Pray that the Lord will continue to weigh on me as He is now, even as much as it scares me now.
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