Here's a sneak peak into the new song I'm writing.
Do you remember me
before my scars?
Before the cobwebs on my so
were so thick?
It was long ago
before it all
But still you call.
Take the dark.
Take it tonight.
Find my unknown.
Make it right.
Restore in me
Your worth only.
Because here I am
and I'm so lonely.
Did you love me
without the mask?
Before I tried to fit
into the rigid molds
Before power came
to cover my pain
What is it to be sane?
Be my home.
Be it tonight.
Find me the cure.
No longer quiet
7.12.2008
7.07.2008
JCreek '08 - Installment V
[Installments II-IV can be found on my Facebook.]
Well, we have three week lefts here, and the end of my time here is not only on the horizon, but plainly in view. Last week was a week of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, and we've all had the realizations of the difference between real life and life at camp.
This weekend I got to see my family and my best friend, and as I was driving the 3 hour drive back from Louisville, I felt, for the first time, that real life is going to be okay once camp ends. I am scared that my friendships here won't last past camp, and I am scared that my growth and learnings here will disappear as soon as I get back into school.
God has taught me about my worth, and where to find it, and I'm pretty sure He's going to continue doing that by removing things that are comfortable to me. He started with my physical environment, then my communication with my best friend, and then my video camera. I have asked Him to continue taking everything away until I find my worth in nothing else but Him.
It's amazing how I came to camp to minister to kids through my videos, but I have learned so much more than anything I've ever shown a kid (I am only the video chick, anyway). I never would have imagined I would have opened up to people like I have, try to be a servant to people like I have, or had as much (or not as much) sleep as I have. I truly could stay here with these people forever, but I know this isn't possible.
My time at Jonathan Creek is almost over, and for that I am sad.
But my journey with my Lord continues, and I cannot wait to see what He has in store for this, my last year of college.
Well, we have three week lefts here, and the end of my time here is not only on the horizon, but plainly in view. Last week was a week of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, and we've all had the realizations of the difference between real life and life at camp.
This weekend I got to see my family and my best friend, and as I was driving the 3 hour drive back from Louisville, I felt, for the first time, that real life is going to be okay once camp ends. I am scared that my friendships here won't last past camp, and I am scared that my growth and learnings here will disappear as soon as I get back into school.
God has taught me about my worth, and where to find it, and I'm pretty sure He's going to continue doing that by removing things that are comfortable to me. He started with my physical environment, then my communication with my best friend, and then my video camera. I have asked Him to continue taking everything away until I find my worth in nothing else but Him.
It's amazing how I came to camp to minister to kids through my videos, but I have learned so much more than anything I've ever shown a kid (I am only the video chick, anyway). I never would have imagined I would have opened up to people like I have, try to be a servant to people like I have, or had as much (or not as much) sleep as I have. I truly could stay here with these people forever, but I know this isn't possible.
My time at Jonathan Creek is almost over, and for that I am sad.
But my journey with my Lord continues, and I cannot wait to see what He has in store for this, my last year of college.
5.26.2008
JCreek '08 - the first installment
Well it's only the fifth day I've been here and I feel as though it's been closer to 3 weeks. The entire week coming up is a continuation of training, and the first set of campers come a week from today, a mere few hours after we finish training!
All the fears I had about camp: not being excited, not making friends among the staff, not coming up with ideas about the videos, not sleeping well, etc. have all been eased and deemed unnecessary by the Lord. I could not praise Him enough for that. EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this staff has already become my friend. From the beginning we have been transparent about our walks with the Lord, about our fears and the struggles we go through. From the beginning we laughed about our clumsiness, encouraged each other up the rock wall, served each other in the dining hall, and rapped with each other in the room. I feel absolutely privileged and unworthy of serving alongside these amazing people.
It probably also helps that I have been able to come up with and execute (so far) all the ideas for my videos. For those that are wondering, I am in charge of around 12 videos and promos before camp begins, ranging from 1-3 minutes each. It started off rocky with the computer I was supposed to edit on crashing, but a new one (a MAC!) arrives in the morning.
I think the thing that has been the most amazing is the way I feel toward the rest of the summer. I am excited. A week ago, I was upset and sad because my friends had just left Somerset and I had this seemingly neverending summer of the unknown ahead of me. God has brought me to Jonathan Creek for a type of fresh start, and for the first time in my life, I have embraced it. My heart is changing toward a lot of things, and I look forward to see how it progresses.
For those of you that want it, my address:
Jonathan Creek Camp
Attn: Ashlyn Bruce
3043 Beal Road
Hardin, KY 42048
Love you all. Feel free to drop a note or a text message anytime before 11pm Central Time. :)
All the fears I had about camp: not being excited, not making friends among the staff, not coming up with ideas about the videos, not sleeping well, etc. have all been eased and deemed unnecessary by the Lord. I could not praise Him enough for that. EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this staff has already become my friend. From the beginning we have been transparent about our walks with the Lord, about our fears and the struggles we go through. From the beginning we laughed about our clumsiness, encouraged each other up the rock wall, served each other in the dining hall, and rapped with each other in the room. I feel absolutely privileged and unworthy of serving alongside these amazing people.
It probably also helps that I have been able to come up with and execute (so far) all the ideas for my videos. For those that are wondering, I am in charge of around 12 videos and promos before camp begins, ranging from 1-3 minutes each. It started off rocky with the computer I was supposed to edit on crashing, but a new one (a MAC!) arrives in the morning.
I think the thing that has been the most amazing is the way I feel toward the rest of the summer. I am excited. A week ago, I was upset and sad because my friends had just left Somerset and I had this seemingly neverending summer of the unknown ahead of me. God has brought me to Jonathan Creek for a type of fresh start, and for the first time in my life, I have embraced it. My heart is changing toward a lot of things, and I look forward to see how it progresses.
For those of you that want it, my address:
Jonathan Creek Camp
Attn: Ashlyn Bruce
3043 Beal Road
Hardin, KY 42048
Love you all. Feel free to drop a note or a text message anytime before 11pm Central Time. :)
3.26.2008
Confusion reigns.
So I’ve been back from the Dominican Republic for 11 days now, and more has happened in those 11 days than has happened most of this year.
The culture shock wore off sometime this weekend, but the confusion about how what I experienced is going to translate in my life had only been heightened, and the events of last night and this morning have only muddied the water further.
I thought I was going to graduate early. I mean, I only need 16 credits. And then I thought I wanted to work with Edge or some ministry like that full-time, but I felt stupid talking about it because who’s calling gets defined by one Spring Break mission trip? But the more I thought about it, it was no small feat how I got the money to go. It’s true that God has shown me where I’m going to use my skills for video and graphic design – to educate the world about the water crisis and continue to take more trips like I just took.
But I did jump the gun. I’m not done here. But I ignored that feeling until God decided to wake me up in the middle of the night Sunday night with an overwhelming need to pray. So I did. And he brought to mind some people I need to be here for to disciple and lead for an entire year next year.
I’ve even talked with some people at Edge about it, and still plan on taking part in their ministry while I’m still in school. Well, that settles it, right? Case closed. Wrong. Last night and this morning I think I got more confused than I’ve been since I’ve been back. If I’m not done here in Lexington yet, how are the decisions that have been made wise ones? They don’t make any sense. I’m not trying to say I know what’s right, but I do know what’s wrong, and I do know I’m not alone in thinking these things.
I know time is supposed to heal things and God will show His plan through this, but I am so angry right now that I don’t feel like I’ll ever not be. My anger is so strong I was irrational, and almost was disrespectful in ways that would not have been appropriate or wise. But I feel as though my anger is not unfounded.
I understand that sometimes we must live with the consequences of our decisions, and God will even take our wrong ones and use them for His glory. I just pray, oh boy do I pray, it’s not at the expense of some people who want to do nothing but serve unselfishly. But this fear is already materializing. I do not want to judge, but I feel whole-heartedly that selfishness was chosen over selflessness.
I am not happy with this, at all. And I don't care who knows it.
The culture shock wore off sometime this weekend, but the confusion about how what I experienced is going to translate in my life had only been heightened, and the events of last night and this morning have only muddied the water further.
I thought I was going to graduate early. I mean, I only need 16 credits. And then I thought I wanted to work with Edge or some ministry like that full-time, but I felt stupid talking about it because who’s calling gets defined by one Spring Break mission trip? But the more I thought about it, it was no small feat how I got the money to go. It’s true that God has shown me where I’m going to use my skills for video and graphic design – to educate the world about the water crisis and continue to take more trips like I just took.
But I did jump the gun. I’m not done here. But I ignored that feeling until God decided to wake me up in the middle of the night Sunday night with an overwhelming need to pray. So I did. And he brought to mind some people I need to be here for to disciple and lead for an entire year next year.
I’ve even talked with some people at Edge about it, and still plan on taking part in their ministry while I’m still in school. Well, that settles it, right? Case closed. Wrong. Last night and this morning I think I got more confused than I’ve been since I’ve been back. If I’m not done here in Lexington yet, how are the decisions that have been made wise ones? They don’t make any sense. I’m not trying to say I know what’s right, but I do know what’s wrong, and I do know I’m not alone in thinking these things.
I know time is supposed to heal things and God will show His plan through this, but I am so angry right now that I don’t feel like I’ll ever not be. My anger is so strong I was irrational, and almost was disrespectful in ways that would not have been appropriate or wise. But I feel as though my anger is not unfounded.
I understand that sometimes we must live with the consequences of our decisions, and God will even take our wrong ones and use them for His glory. I just pray, oh boy do I pray, it’s not at the expense of some people who want to do nothing but serve unselfishly. But this fear is already materializing. I do not want to judge, but I feel whole-heartedly that selfishness was chosen over selflessness.
I am not happy with this, at all. And I don't care who knows it.
3.19.2008
The Dominican Republic Trip - How it's STILL changing my life
First off, I wrote this on the evening of Wednesday, March 12, 2008. That was while I was in the DR.
"It's the third full day and it was another early one. Biembo, our crazy driver we have come to adore, was sick and so our new driver was 45 minutes late. While waiting we worshiped with the YWAM staff (where we are staying). It was amazing because we were singing the same praises in 2 different languages at the same time! It was awesome to realize they love the same God the same way and just as deep.
Being the third day, we have started to rub on each other, the kids really act as a buffer. They loved our cameras as always. Today I brought my guitar and they swarmed me! I sang 'Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord" in Spanish and they had me repeat it 4 times! Then I sang almost every song I had memorized. The kids came and went, but Jeffrey stayed. He was my buddy. All the work with the water system paled in comparison with Jeffrey asking me if I was coming back tomorrow and then banging on the window to yell "Hasta manana!"
So now it's my second day back to normal, scheduled, college life. I was excited to get back to Kentucky and see my friends, and my family this weekend, and was especially grateful considering the effort it took to make it on the plane to Louisville (good story, ask me). But some things took me by surprise yesterday and have continued on into today. Please don't take any of this as my judging anyone, I'm still confused as to how I'm feeling.
First, I had a hard time seeing everyone go right back into the swing of things like they didn't just have a week of their lives that was so separate form everything. Now I know everyone didn't go on a mission trip, and that's fine. This is the first one I've been on. But my week in the DR was a removal from everything I knew: my language, my culture, my values. I am having a hard time being the same I was before Spring Break, and I am having a hard time seeing everyone else do it.
Second, some of the things I did that were completely normal and routine somehow seemed wrong to me. And they were random things like picking up a Kernel on my way to work, talking about the NCAA brackets, and filming the Kyle Craft and Kahne show. I don't know how, but these things seemed wrong to me. I can't explain it further.
It's just like this week of my life without air conditioning and clean water doesn't fit into my life here in Kentucky. How can I see the things I saw down there and come back here and pretend to be happy with how I'm living and how we're living? It's not that I'm mad at America. I realize we're blessed and that's just how it is. Life isn't fair because of the sin in the world.
But the Dominicans were SO happy. The kids in the village only had chicken and rice to eat, but they didn't care. I have choices of pretty much anything I want to eat, and I complain. The Dominicans don't always have electricity, even in the city. So what do they do? Open up their homes to nature and enjoy the landscape. When my power goes out I complain 'cause I'm not comfortable. The Fathers at the church we were at are facing elimination by gold mining with cyanide, and they keep teaching the kids how to read. I lost a presidential election and got upset that I wasn't picked to be the ultimate leader. I should be thankful I get to serve in any aspect.
And so I feel stuck. I am used to the luxuries we enjoy here in America, and there is NOTHING wrong with that, and I don't want to stop using them. It'd be stupid if I didn't take advantage of the heat in my house. But I don't want to live as if I haven't experienced this. And I don't want to have this one week be the only time I travel to the Dominican, or Costa Rica, or Haiti, or wherever.
I could go on and on about this because I feel so full, but I won't.
Things have changed, and even though I thought they might, and even though I was warned they might, I'm still having a rough go.
"It's the third full day and it was another early one. Biembo, our crazy driver we have come to adore, was sick and so our new driver was 45 minutes late. While waiting we worshiped with the YWAM staff (where we are staying). It was amazing because we were singing the same praises in 2 different languages at the same time! It was awesome to realize they love the same God the same way and just as deep.
Being the third day, we have started to rub on each other, the kids really act as a buffer. They loved our cameras as always. Today I brought my guitar and they swarmed me! I sang 'Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord" in Spanish and they had me repeat it 4 times! Then I sang almost every song I had memorized. The kids came and went, but Jeffrey stayed. He was my buddy. All the work with the water system paled in comparison with Jeffrey asking me if I was coming back tomorrow and then banging on the window to yell "Hasta manana!"
So now it's my second day back to normal, scheduled, college life. I was excited to get back to Kentucky and see my friends, and my family this weekend, and was especially grateful considering the effort it took to make it on the plane to Louisville (good story, ask me). But some things took me by surprise yesterday and have continued on into today. Please don't take any of this as my judging anyone, I'm still confused as to how I'm feeling.
First, I had a hard time seeing everyone go right back into the swing of things like they didn't just have a week of their lives that was so separate form everything. Now I know everyone didn't go on a mission trip, and that's fine. This is the first one I've been on. But my week in the DR was a removal from everything I knew: my language, my culture, my values. I am having a hard time being the same I was before Spring Break, and I am having a hard time seeing everyone else do it.
Second, some of the things I did that were completely normal and routine somehow seemed wrong to me. And they were random things like picking up a Kernel on my way to work, talking about the NCAA brackets, and filming the Kyle Craft and Kahne show. I don't know how, but these things seemed wrong to me. I can't explain it further.
It's just like this week of my life without air conditioning and clean water doesn't fit into my life here in Kentucky. How can I see the things I saw down there and come back here and pretend to be happy with how I'm living and how we're living? It's not that I'm mad at America. I realize we're blessed and that's just how it is. Life isn't fair because of the sin in the world.
But the Dominicans were SO happy. The kids in the village only had chicken and rice to eat, but they didn't care. I have choices of pretty much anything I want to eat, and I complain. The Dominicans don't always have electricity, even in the city. So what do they do? Open up their homes to nature and enjoy the landscape. When my power goes out I complain 'cause I'm not comfortable. The Fathers at the church we were at are facing elimination by gold mining with cyanide, and they keep teaching the kids how to read. I lost a presidential election and got upset that I wasn't picked to be the ultimate leader. I should be thankful I get to serve in any aspect.
And so I feel stuck. I am used to the luxuries we enjoy here in America, and there is NOTHING wrong with that, and I don't want to stop using them. It'd be stupid if I didn't take advantage of the heat in my house. But I don't want to live as if I haven't experienced this. And I don't want to have this one week be the only time I travel to the Dominican, or Costa Rica, or Haiti, or wherever.
I could go on and on about this because I feel so full, but I won't.
Things have changed, and even though I thought they might, and even though I was warned they might, I'm still having a rough go.
2.21.2008
Happy 1 year. not.
A year ago stuff was getting bad; you were getting frustrated with my problem that I had yet to realize was a sickness. Now, at this time this year, you decide you want to be back in my life in a bigger way. You are still changed. You are not who I fell in love with, and yet the way you treat me has become like it used to be. It's not that I am not grateful for it, but I am confused. Why now? It will be soon that we will no longer be in the same physical place. Do you feel like you need to make the most of our time left together? Well, you should have thought about that every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing. You should have thought about that every time I wanted to hang out and you tried to play off that you couldn't. We both know I saw through it. You should have thought about that when all the fears I had about us came true.
But you know I won't desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it's whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I'm doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.
And yet I can't tell you all this to your face. 1: I don't think you'll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You'll never see this.
All this because it's been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don't get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don't want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don't want you calling to ask if I'm ok. Not because I don't need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.
But I could never tell you this.
But you know I won't desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it's whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I'm doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.
And yet I can't tell you all this to your face. 1: I don't think you'll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You'll never see this.
All this because it's been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don't get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don't want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don't want you calling to ask if I'm ok. Not because I don't need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.
But I could never tell you this.
1.31.2008
Irony can sometimes be cruel.
Life is weird.
A good friend called me upset last night because another friend (to protect all parties involved, and confuse me years from now when I reread this, we'll call this person K) has really disregarded my friends' feelings, and doesn't realize what K is doing. My friend was upset, very upset, to the point of tears and expletives. I sat and listened because I know my friend wasn't looking for answers, even though I kept being asked, "What do I do?" I tried to be as good a friend as I could.
At one point, my friend said, "I feel so stuck. I just want to call or text, but K won't give me any answer that will make me feel better. I just want to go over there and explain it, tell K how I feel, but K won't understand. I just want to disappear."
Why is this ironic, you ask?
Because about a year ago, I was in the same boat with this very friend. I wanted nothing more than call this friend, explain how I was hurt, and make my argument. This very friend hurt me, upset me to the point of tears and expletives, and didn't understand. The words that came out of my friend's mouth last night were practically the same words I uttered.
Even though all that happened, we have remained good friends, although my friend still doesn't know or understand how I felt then. My friend has moved on in life to a different set of friends, and I have come to accept my role in my friend's life. It took a long time to get to this place for me. And so last night, my friend calls me?! Am I being used? My friend knows I will be there. My friend knows I still have great love, and my friend, I believe, still has great love for me. My friend talks about having nothing left here and wanting to disappear. I AM HERE. I understand that my friend is hurting, and I will never leave my friend without support, but where is my own personal line to walk away?
A good friend called me upset last night because another friend (to protect all parties involved, and confuse me years from now when I reread this, we'll call this person K) has really disregarded my friends' feelings, and doesn't realize what K is doing. My friend was upset, very upset, to the point of tears and expletives. I sat and listened because I know my friend wasn't looking for answers, even though I kept being asked, "What do I do?" I tried to be as good a friend as I could.
At one point, my friend said, "I feel so stuck. I just want to call or text, but K won't give me any answer that will make me feel better. I just want to go over there and explain it, tell K how I feel, but K won't understand. I just want to disappear."
Why is this ironic, you ask?
Because about a year ago, I was in the same boat with this very friend. I wanted nothing more than call this friend, explain how I was hurt, and make my argument. This very friend hurt me, upset me to the point of tears and expletives, and didn't understand. The words that came out of my friend's mouth last night were practically the same words I uttered.
Even though all that happened, we have remained good friends, although my friend still doesn't know or understand how I felt then. My friend has moved on in life to a different set of friends, and I have come to accept my role in my friend's life. It took a long time to get to this place for me. And so last night, my friend calls me?! Am I being used? My friend knows I will be there. My friend knows I still have great love, and my friend, I believe, still has great love for me. My friend talks about having nothing left here and wanting to disappear. I AM HERE. I understand that my friend is hurting, and I will never leave my friend without support, but where is my own personal line to walk away?
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