A night of realizations.

I'm laying on the couch alone with multiple people angry with me and my recent actions. And though if those people were to read this, they would not believe me when I say I'm done with all that. For real this time. I've never actually said it, but this time I am. But I'm going to have to prove it with my actions now. And that's ok. My friends love me enough to give me tough love, too. I'm blessed like that. As much as I just want everything to be okay right now, I know this is going to take time, and I did that to myself.

There was a time when this would happen and I would see no light at the end of the tunnel. I'd be so wrapped up in my actions that I wouldn't see the bigger picture. And this causes me to realize how far I've come. I also realize, though, that I cannot trust myself with some things. It's not the people, it's not the stress, it's all me.

I've come to a turning point in my life. This summer prepared me for this, I know that now. If camp had no other point for me, it was so when I got to this day, I knew I could do it. Not to say I'm not scared, well downright terrified actually, but I know in the end, I'll be ok. Not just fine, but perfectly ok.

I am scared I'm not ready. But I don't think I'll ever be ready to leave some things. The good thing is I've got those things so close to my heart, they don't have any choice but to come with me, even if its not physically.

God has shown me something tonight I haven't ever fully tried to fathom: grace. And while I don't claim to have a grasp on such a concept, I have willingly accepted it for the first time in my life. God has protected me while I was in the middle of my irresponsibility, and I'm done having to be in the position to realize that. I only hope the most important people realize I'm telling the truth and I'm sorry.

JCreek '08 - the final installment (VI)

Now that I've been home a few days and had the time to evaluate the past 67 days of my life, I'm truly amazed at the blessing it was. I remember what my status on Facebook was the few days before I left: Ashlyn wishes it was August. Now that I'm staring in the face of August, I'm full of the craziest mixture of emotions. Sadness, excitement, anxiety, gratitude, exhaustion, and confusion all rolled into one.

I've been thinking back to training week and how scared I was. Helping everyone move in, wondering how we'd fit that many of us in that room (still wondering how we did that), and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing with that video camera. Everyone thought I was really quiet and shy, which I'm pretty sure they don't anymore. I was always nervous to ask people to be in a video. Thankfully, everyone was up for the random ideas I had, like putting a kayak on the tower, tackling each other, or running in a huge group over the hill.

One of my favorite times of the week were Sunday afternoon lunches. We all came together before another week started. Those that left the past weekend were welcomed back, and memories of time together was laughed about. Although I despised most of the rest of Sundays, this time at 11:30am is something I'll always cherish. As I struggle to figure out how to incorporate the past 2 and a half months into "real life," I feel as though I'm desperately grasping at the wisps of the summer falling from my mind. Yes, I know there's the Staff DVD, but it's not the same unless I'm sitting in the JCafe listening to my friends laugh at it for the first time or sitting in Lindsey's apartment getting ready for a wedding and laughing again.

I think the thing I am most afraid of is that as I return to school and BCM and my impending graduation from college, all the things God showed me and taught me this summer won't seem real because I'm no longer in that environment. I spent my entire summer being around the same 30-35 people, practically 24 hours a day. Suddenly, these people are mostly gone from my life and I am shoved back into a world of school loans, living paycheck to paycheck, and people not being intentional and real. I don't ever want to forget what I learned about being a servant, about true leadership without recognition, about finding worth solely in Christ. I don't want to forget conversations outside the Cafe on the weekend, conversations in the tech booth during Bible study, or conversations sitting on the beach chair during third rotation. I don't want to forget laughing at kids on the ski boat, cracking up when staffers couldn't go down the slip and slide, or taunting each other playing dodgeball. God BLESSED me by allowing me to serve alongside amazing people this summer. I still feel so unworthy to be considered in the same group as them. I feel like making a 45 minute staff DVD was nowhere near enough of a gift from me to them.

So as I face the next few weeks of detox, know that while I won't miss the snoring reverberating around the room, I will miss nightly roommate conversations. Though I won't miss the incredible mess in our floor and bathroom, I will miss the community of all our crap being in one place. Though I won't miss most mornings, I will miss making faces behind Crenshaw on screen and her never realizing it. Though I won't miss yelling "staffers, we've got a church!" I will miss the Rouses' Sunday Staff meetings (and the Rouses in general). I won't miss the goose poop, but I will miss the cross. Not the dart game, but flamingo. Not cleaning, but my cleaning team. Not running slides, but the time with those in the tech booth.

I'll never forget being able to pray for my friends, Crossings Life, and worshiping alongside amazing staffers. Thank you for 67 amazing days of learning, sleeplessness, and fun. I owe you more than I could ever repay.

Here's a sneak peak into the new song I'm writing.

Do you remember me
before my scars?
Before the cobwebs on my so
were so thick?
It was long ago
before it all
But still you call.

Take the dark.
Take it tonight.
Find my unknown.
Make it right.
Restore in me
Your worth only.
Because here I am
and I'm so lonely.

Did you love me
without the mask?
Before I tried to fit
into the rigid molds
Before power came
to cover my pain
What is it to be sane?

Be my home.
Be it tonight.
Find me the cure.
No longer quiet

JCreek '08 - Installment V

[Installments II-IV can be found on my Facebook.]

Well, we have three week lefts here, and the end of my time here is not only on the horizon, but plainly in view. Last week was a week of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, and we've all had the realizations of the difference between real life and life at camp.

This weekend I got to see my family and my best friend, and as I was driving the 3 hour drive back from Louisville, I felt, for the first time, that real life is going to be okay once camp ends. I am scared that my friendships here won't last past camp, and I am scared that my growth and learnings here will disappear as soon as I get back into school.

God has taught me about my worth, and where to find it, and I'm pretty sure He's going to continue doing that by removing things that are comfortable to me. He started with my physical environment, then my communication with my best friend, and then my video camera. I have asked Him to continue taking everything away until I find my worth in nothing else but Him.

It's amazing how I came to camp to minister to kids through my videos, but I have learned so much more than anything I've ever shown a kid (I am only the video chick, anyway). I never would have imagined I would have opened up to people like I have, try to be a servant to people like I have, or had as much (or not as much) sleep as I have. I truly could stay here with these people forever, but I know this isn't possible.

My time at Jonathan Creek is almost over, and for that I am sad.
But my journey with my Lord continues, and I cannot wait to see what He has in store for this, my last year of college.

JCreek '08 - the first installment

Well it's only the fifth day I've been here and I feel as though it's been closer to 3 weeks. The entire week coming up is a continuation of training, and the first set of campers come a week from today, a mere few hours after we finish training!

All the fears I had about camp: not being excited, not making friends among the staff, not coming up with ideas about the videos, not sleeping well, etc. have all been eased and deemed unnecessary by the Lord. I could not praise Him enough for that. EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this staff has already become my friend. From the beginning we have been transparent about our walks with the Lord, about our fears and the struggles we go through. From the beginning we laughed about our clumsiness, encouraged each other up the rock wall, served each other in the dining hall, and rapped with each other in the room. I feel absolutely privileged and unworthy of serving alongside these amazing people.

It probably also helps that I have been able to come up with and execute (so far) all the ideas for my videos. For those that are wondering, I am in charge of around 12 videos and promos before camp begins, ranging from 1-3 minutes each. It started off rocky with the computer I was supposed to edit on crashing, but a new one (a MAC!) arrives in the morning.

I think the thing that has been the most amazing is the way I feel toward the rest of the summer. I am excited. A week ago, I was upset and sad because my friends had just left Somerset and I had this seemingly neverending summer of the unknown ahead of me. God has brought me to Jonathan Creek for a type of fresh start, and for the first time in my life, I have embraced it. My heart is changing toward a lot of things, and I look forward to see how it progresses.

For those of you that want it, my address:
Jonathan Creek Camp
Attn: Ashlyn Bruce
3043 Beal Road
Hardin, KY 42048

Love you all. Feel free to drop a note or a text message anytime before 11pm Central Time. :)

Confusion reigns.

So I’ve been back from the Dominican Republic for 11 days now, and more has happened in those 11 days than has happened most of this year.
The culture shock wore off sometime this weekend, but the confusion about how what I experienced is going to translate in my life had only been heightened, and the events of last night and this morning have only muddied the water further.

I thought I was going to graduate early. I mean, I only need 16 credits. And then I thought I wanted to work with Edge or some ministry like that full-time, but I felt stupid talking about it because who’s calling gets defined by one Spring Break mission trip? But the more I thought about it, it was no small feat how I got the money to go. It’s true that God has shown me where I’m going to use my skills for video and graphic design – to educate the world about the water crisis and continue to take more trips like I just took.

But I did jump the gun. I’m not done here. But I ignored that feeling until God decided to wake me up in the middle of the night Sunday night with an overwhelming need to pray. So I did. And he brought to mind some people I need to be here for to disciple and lead for an entire year next year.

I’ve even talked with some people at Edge about it, and still plan on taking part in their ministry while I’m still in school. Well, that settles it, right? Case closed. Wrong. Last night and this morning I think I got more confused than I’ve been since I’ve been back. If I’m not done here in Lexington yet, how are the decisions that have been made wise ones? They don’t make any sense. I’m not trying to say I know what’s right, but I do know what’s wrong, and I do know I’m not alone in thinking these things.

I know time is supposed to heal things and God will show His plan through this, but I am so angry right now that I don’t feel like I’ll ever not be. My anger is so strong I was irrational, and almost was disrespectful in ways that would not have been appropriate or wise. But I feel as though my anger is not unfounded.

I understand that sometimes we must live with the consequences of our decisions, and God will even take our wrong ones and use them for His glory. I just pray, oh boy do I pray, it’s not at the expense of some people who want to do nothing but serve unselfishly. But this fear is already materializing. I do not want to judge, but I feel whole-heartedly that selfishness was chosen over selflessness.

I am not happy with this, at all. And I don't care who knows it.

The Dominican Republic Trip - How it's STILL changing my life

First off, I wrote this on the evening of Wednesday, March 12, 2008. That was while I was in the DR.

"It's the third full day and it was another early one. Biembo, our crazy driver we have come to adore, was sick and so our new driver was 45 minutes late. While waiting we worshiped with the YWAM staff (where we are staying). It was amazing because we were singing the same praises in 2 different languages at the same time! It was awesome to realize they love the same God the same way and just as deep.
Being the third day, we have started to rub on each other, the kids really act as a buffer. They loved our cameras as always. Today I brought my guitar and they swarmed me! I sang 'Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord" in Spanish and they had me repeat it 4 times! Then I sang almost every song I had memorized. The kids came and went, but Jeffrey stayed. He was my buddy. All the work with the water system paled in comparison with Jeffrey asking me if I was coming back tomorrow and then banging on the window to yell "Hasta manana!"


So now it's my second day back to normal, scheduled, college life. I was excited to get back to Kentucky and see my friends, and my family this weekend, and was especially grateful considering the effort it took to make it on the plane to Louisville (good story, ask me). But some things took me by surprise yesterday and have continued on into today. Please don't take any of this as my judging anyone, I'm still confused as to how I'm feeling.

First, I had a hard time seeing everyone go right back into the swing of things like they didn't just have a week of their lives that was so separate form everything. Now I know everyone didn't go on a mission trip, and that's fine. This is the first one I've been on. But my week in the DR was a removal from everything I knew: my language, my culture, my values. I am having a hard time being the same I was before Spring Break, and I am having a hard time seeing everyone else do it.

Second, some of the things I did that were completely normal and routine somehow seemed wrong to me. And they were random things like picking up a Kernel on my way to work, talking about the NCAA brackets, and filming the Kyle Craft and Kahne show. I don't know how, but these things seemed wrong to me. I can't explain it further.

It's just like this week of my life without air conditioning and clean water doesn't fit into my life here in Kentucky. How can I see the things I saw down there and come back here and pretend to be happy with how I'm living and how we're living? It's not that I'm mad at America. I realize we're blessed and that's just how it is. Life isn't fair because of the sin in the world.

But the Dominicans were SO happy. The kids in the village only had chicken and rice to eat, but they didn't care. I have choices of pretty much anything I want to eat, and I complain. The Dominicans don't always have electricity, even in the city. So what do they do? Open up their homes to nature and enjoy the landscape. When my power goes out I complain 'cause I'm not comfortable. The Fathers at the church we were at are facing elimination by gold mining with cyanide, and they keep teaching the kids how to read. I lost a presidential election and got upset that I wasn't picked to be the ultimate leader. I should be thankful I get to serve in any aspect.

And so I feel stuck. I am used to the luxuries we enjoy here in America, and there is NOTHING wrong with that, and I don't want to stop using them. It'd be stupid if I didn't take advantage of the heat in my house. But I don't want to live as if I haven't experienced this. And I don't want to have this one week be the only time I travel to the Dominican, or Costa Rica, or Haiti, or wherever.

I could go on and on about this because I feel so full, but I won't.
Things have changed, and even though I thought they might, and even though I was warned they might, I'm still having a rough go.